Writing 4 CHANGE

1. 10 signs to watch out in a violent person

Domestic violence cases have been on the rise in Kenya. Many of such cases go unreported and only a few find spaces in the print and social media. Some generate public debate and condemnation while others go unnoticed or are silenced at home before they go viral. Although there are no recent tabulated statistics for Kenya, the Gender Violence Recovery Center (GVRC) treats 15 cases of rape and domestic violence every day. Since its inception in 2011, the center has treated 4,500 patients. The prevalence of domestic violence in Kenya is said to be influenced by out-dated cultural belief systems and patriarchal dominance among other reasons.

The horror images registered in the minds of the abused and psychological impact on the lives of the children who witness them, cannot be described.

Most forms of violence are preventable when detected early. Observing behavior patterns and habits, beams out possible factors that could make you vulnerable to domestic violence. Abused persons often express shock, for missing the obvious signs of violence in their partners, spouses or friends. Here are some of the possible signs likely to result into anger and subsequent abuse in a relationship:-

1.  Jealous and possessiveness

An Irish writer Elizabeth Bowen once wrote, that “jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies”. This statement has relevance to what happens when one experience mixed feelings that come out as jealousy. Jealousy is often the visible mask that covers hurtful feelings and attitudes. Deep-seated feelings of possessiveness, insecurity and shame all hide behind jealousy and may result into abuse and anger. Despite jealousy being a natural occurrence, observation of reactions that follows it, are red-light warnings to possible violence. In an era of open social media communication, where likes on Face book or re-tweeting on twitter is not an endorsement. Your partner's reactions may be the much needed warning for impending violence. Watch out!

2. Attempts to isolate from friends and family- who to see and not to...

Does your partner make efforts to deny you rights of association with friends or even your family? These are usually clear abuse warnings many ignore. When a spouse or a partner is irritated when you visiting your family member, or friends, tells a lot about their level of excessive possessiveness. Some suggest activities to coincide with planned events, so as to prevent moment of socializing with family and friends. Sticking to planned calendar, may cause conflict and trigger the deeply seated anger. Some may claim they are of less priority. Others may allow such interactions but closely monitor with phone calls every hour. Some use such opportunity to level imaginary unfaithful accusation or start heated arguments that end up in violence or insults. We are social beings and as such require form of support system from either friends or family. Who said socializing life ends with marriage?

3. Sudden un-explainable changes in mood

Moods are said to involve more than emotions. Moods bring about changes in action, thoughts and ability to make sound judgment. They also change the normal functioning of the body. Many people confuse emotions from moods. Moods make people lose the ability to see their emotions in perspective and often prevents acting wisely when moody. On the other hand, emotions are simply normal adaptive responses to life situations, which makes emotions 'normal' in humans.

Moods come in many colours and forms. Here I’m only concerned about violence related moods. The irritable moods cause one to easily get annoyed, trigger anger, arguments or aggressive behaviour. The brain part that coordinates actions and judgment, gets disruption from moods. People with mood disorder are said to be quick in acting (mania) and slow in thinking or judging their actions.

A partner or a spouse who has un-explainable changes in mood may react irrationally and cause harm. This is mostly common among persons with anger issues and history of violence. Observe the moods to remain safe in your relationship.

4. Insulting in public or with friends

One may wonder why I chose this as a red light sign in avoiding violence. Domestic violence or any form of violence is built on demeaning another person, be it physically or psychologically. Insults; be it in public or private, inflicts long-lasting scars to an insulted person. Insults are usually directed at a person's feelings, self-esteem, pride, identity and ego. A scar formed from a first time insult, may become a chronic wound. Rage may result from an insulted person which may ultimately trigger need for revenge. It is at such a point, one may express all bottled-up anger by doing an unimaginable thing.

5. Control on finances, clothes

This is a difficult discussion in many relationships; it is a factor that may lead to violence. Everybody wishes to have a form of autonomy when it comes to expending hard-earned-cash. Discomfort may arise when one feels controlled. Partners may assist each other overcome impulse purchasing habits...that each may have, in efforts to control financial spending. I’m not talking about the moderated co-budgeting scenario, nah! I’m referring to domineering habits that tend to control or exercise power. Co-budgeting or doing things in a communion manner should not be the avenue to deny individual's freedoms and rights. Dressing debate is another area that fuels jealousy. If a person loves you, they must not define what you wear, otherwise there is no difference with being in a prison. I know of insensible men who use dressing as an excuse to unleash violence on their spouses or partners. It's not the external factors that cause the problem. It's what is on the mind.

6. Passing back the blame for abuse

This is a defense mechanism used to justify wrong acts. For instance, a violent person acting without judgment of their actions may wish to show remorse and sympathy after an event. A common line used “I did A,B,C because I was drunk”. Use SR philosophy to prevent abuse. Between stimulus and reaction, there is WILL (Internal ability to make a decision irrespective of external pressure). The easiest path to escape is usually blaming, which is rewarding to behavior.

7. Use of constant threats and intimidate

Although scientists are still studying the mysterious cause of threatening behaviors in humans. Charles Darwin established that threatening behaviors among animals is a modulator to aggression that is designed to strengthen social dominance and keep predators at bay. The bottom line seem to show the need to remain in-charge and in control. Psychologists agree that, psychological healthy people are rarely violent. Next time before you try to reason on whether the threat was valid or invalid, remember that you might not survive the second abuse.

8. Forceful sex

Whenever a sexual encounter is not consented it is an abuse. A person who ignores personal rights to make decision, demonstrates aggressive behaviour traits. It is important to observe this and other small forceful actions such as forced hugs, forced hand-holding, forced accompaniment to a mall or someplace. In most cases, attempts to oppose the forceful actions may trigger anger and result in violence. Place a red tape and define boundaries to prevent violence.

9. Destroys household items when angry

For some people transferring anger towards non-living things at home, may sound okay. Caution must be taken on any person who is destructive. Destructive anger is a sign to watch out in a person, it gives a sign that the person is unable to control self and as such may do nasty stuff. Take it seriously before the anger pangs are re-directed at you.

10. Asks for forgiveness after abuse

The crocodile tears should not mislead anyone to think the same person will never repeat violence acts. Forgive once, learn the second time and prevent a third repeat. The first time might be a mistake, the second and third can’t be mistakes. It's a habit that defines the person.

Say no to all forms of violence by being vigilant in preventing it from happening. The signs are on the wall, look out for them and together we can break the silence.

2. Reformers act in an extraordinary way

Sometime in 1976, a mother walking along the streets of Belfast in company of her four children found herself in precarious life threatening situation. A car lost control and ran-over her children leaving them for dead. Only one of the four survived. The driver had been shot by soldiers and lost control of the car.

The event later became the cause of protests in Belfast, as the community gathered to mourn the lose of the children. The little known Mairead Maguire took it upon her shoulders, to mobilize rallies around Belfast which called for respect of human lives as sacred and precious.

Actions to transform her situation in her little way, made Mairead Corrigan Maguire receive the coveted Nobel Peace Prize award in the same year. An award given only to individuals with extraordinary actions towards the betterment of humanity.

The South Africa Archbishop Desmond Tutu too, led several non-violent protests. He delivered fiery speeches and urged South Africans to employ peaceful actions and forgiveness during the apartheid era. His efforts to find non-violent solution to the conflicts over the policy of apartheid were recognized by the Nobel committee and was coveted with Nobel Prize in 1984. The late Prof. Wangari Maathai’s love for environment and fight for it demonstrates yet another power in small but repeated actions. She championed the course of saving environment not only in Kenya where she came from but globally. Despite torture, plugging-out of her hair experiences ; she remained steadfast in conserving and saving the environment. Similar to other laureates before her, efforts to nurture and heal our wounded planet was rewarded in 2004 with Nobel prize.

The endless list of Laureates since 1901 demonstrates a single common denominator; passion and commitment to change and heal earth wounds, in our own little and simple ways.

Never late to do good

Albert Nobel was an inventor and a businessman born in Sweden in 1833. When he was thirty years old, he made his first inventions of dynamite (a kind of explosive made by his company called Nobel Company). Although dynamite has many peaceful uses, including digging tunnels, it was and is still used in warfare.  Alfred Nobel went on to become extremely wealthy by inventing and selling war materials, especially with a kind of smokeless gunpowder that made it easier for soldiers to see during battles.

In 1867, Nobel patented his dynamite discovery after making improvement on the blasting cap; which was ignited by lighting a fuse. Nobel died in 1895 and left behind nine million endowment fund.

According to the Nobel Peace prize committee when Nobel died, in 1895, his will came as quite a surprise. He left most of his vast fortune to pay for a group of prizes awarded every year. The prizes were to be given for achievements in chemistry, physics, medicine, literature and the cause of peace. The first four prizes are awarded by a committee appointed by the Swedish parliament, and the peace prize is decided by a committee appointed by the Norwegian parliament.

According to Nobel’s will,

"The prize for peace is awarded to a person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding of peace congresses". 

The award is sometimes given to an individual and sometimes to an organization.

As people of faith born of a ‘reformer’ (Martin Luther), desire to drive change is often over-shadowed with powerlessness. We encounter poverty, un-employment, diseases, changing environment and the list keep growing bigger and bigger. Becoming a change agent does require an ordinary person to do an extraordinary stuff. 

The little change in our own little way build up to the bigger difference we should desire: To leave the world a better place than we found it

3. Handcuffed to treat cancer

Monday, 22 April, 2013- Meet Ester Wanjira (30) a resident of Kayole slum in Nairobi Kenya, is having a hard time finding treatment for a lump on her breast due to poverty. Like many other women living in informal settlements, her life is on the edge and she is slowly dying.

After visting various health facilities in the city, little help seem to come her way. Besides being unable to conceive normally, Ester’s double trouble have seen her self esteem reduce.

A lump on her right breast that started as a pimple has since grown to the size of ´lolipop,’ she says. Living on less than a dollar a day complicates her life further. ‘I visited Kayole hospital in August [2012] but I did not get the help or cure to my growth’, She laments.  ‘When it is cold, the pain is unbearable’. She adds.

Ester’s journey in search of treatment for her lump has hit a dead end. She is unable to raise enough money for a mammogram as adviced before she can start treatment. ‘I can’t sell my body to raise money for treatment’. She says. Kenya reported 22,000 cancer related deaths in 2011 out of the 28,000 cancer cases diagnosed, according to a government report. Breast cancer is the number one killer among women in the East Africa region.

Ester worked at a local bar where she got terminated for refusal to give in to sexual advancement from clients [bar attendants are often expected to co-operate, even to sexual abuse]. After her termination, poverty also ram through her door and has since become her un-invited guest. ´This lump is growing bigger and bigger, why me?’ She asks. 

Cancer occurs as a result of mutations or abnormal changes in the genes, responsible for regulating the growth of cells and keeping them healthy. Normally, the cells in our bodies replace themselves through an orderly process of cell growth: healthy new cells take over as old ones die out. But over time, mutations can “turn on” certain genes and “turn off” others in a cell. Such changed cell gains the ability to keep dividing without control or order, producing more cells just like it and forming a tumor.

A tumor can be benign (not dangerous to health) or malignant (has the potential to be dangerous). Benign tumors are not considered cancerous: their cells are close to normal in appearance, they grow slowly, and they do not invade nearby tissues or spread to other parts of the body. Malignant tumors are cancerous. If left unchecked, malignant cells eventually spread beyond the original tumor to other parts of the body.

Breast cancer is a malignant tumor that grows from either the lobules (milk producing gland) or ducts (passage that drains milk from lobules to the nipples). Cancer cells invade nearby healthy breast tissue and make their way into the underarm lymph nodes, (small organs that filter out foreign substances in the body). If cancer cells get into the lymph nodes, they then have a pathway into other parts of the body.

Some 90% of breast cancer cases are caused by genetic abnormalities from aging, while 5-10% of other cases are caused by abnormality in genes inherited from parents. 

Women are encouraged to carry out self-checks for swelling of any sort on the breast, skin irritation, breast or nipple pain, thickening of the nipples, unusual discharge other than milk and lump in the underarm area. Not all growth on the breast are signs of cancer but it is highly adviserble to seek medical help immediately one discovers such signs.

In 2010 alone more than 1.5 million women were diagnosed with breast cancer according to worldwide breast cancer organization. Early detection and treatment reduces cancer deaths significantly. Hope fades away every single day for more women like Ester who lack affordable cancer treatment. Governments in developing countries must intiate more cancer awareness programmes and facilitate affordable diagnosis and treatment. Until such programs are in place breast cancer will continue claiming lives of more women.



4. The forgotten urban vulnerable haunted by HIV and AIDS

Nairobi, Kenya- Meet Doris Timbwa Mikaye a mother of five children who met face-to-face with the dreaded HIV and AIDS which claimed life’s of all her daughters. At 64, Doris has encountered pain, frustration, sorrow and rejection owing to a condition she never invited to her home. “I have buried all my children, now I have grand and great grand to look after”- lamented Doris.

Doris lives in a single room in Korogocho slums, Nairobi; a room constructed for her by a local church. Though, without cement on the floor, the room provides shelter for her family in times of rain and scotching sun. She has no other home after she was chased by her husband many years ago for not bearing a son. “That’s where I call home, though its only a room”.

She is perceived by both her neighbours and family as a cursed person, owing to the string of misfortunes that have befallen her family. Her life characterized with rough terrains, deaths of loved ones and rejection by her immediate family is just some of agony she narrates.

Doris first born daughter (who we will call Catherine- not real name) succumbed to HIV and AIDS in 1988 at a time that little was known about the pandemic “people could not move closer to her or touch her. She faced real stigma” narrated Doris. On knowing her status, Catherine was chased by her husband’s family. They accused her of promiscuity. She collapsed and died on her return to Kenya from Tanzania where she lived with her husband; Catherine left behind three children of 9,7 and 3 years. The husband equally rejected all the three children.

Mama Doris took over the task of being both the mother and the father for her grand children. One of Catherine’s youngest son, later became a success story and was admired by many in their Korogocho settlement. He played football for the famous Mathare Youth Sports Association (MYSA) and travelled around the globe as a result of his talents. “I held high expectation of him” said Doris.
Fate robbed him from me…

One fateful February in 2010, while returning home in Korogocho, Godfrey whose lifestyle had started improving was attacked by un-known men who stabbed him to death. An incident Doris believed “they attacked him because of his changed lifestyle”.

His death meant more burdens to the grandmother, since he left behind two children. Catherine’s eldest son a dumb would be do all sorts of work to earn money. “People took advantage of his condition…he transported guns in the slum for five shillings”-lamented the granny. Mama Doris later relocated his grandson to Tanzania after she feared for her life.

Living in Korogocho slums presents challenges and exposes many teenagers to vulnerable condition. Poverty bites hard, crime rate is in high proportions and drug abuse the order of the day.


More burials awaited mama Doris
Mama Doris second daughter, Dovina also stayed with the mother in Korogocho slums prior to her death in 1992. She conceived her first child while in class seven and sat for her examination their after. “We only saw signs on her…didn’t know what ailed her” said Doris.

“I became worried for both my daughter and her 5 year old son. Dovina used to cough a lot”-narrated Doris. She took them to Kenyatta National Hospital (KNH) where Dovina was diagnosed positive for the HIV virus, while that of her son was negative. “KNH refused to admit her…I returned home with her and she later died at home”.

“I never used protection, while taking care of my daughters”.
Dovina’s son today lives in Mukuru and engages in collecting garbage. He could be referred to as a ‘chokora’ (Kenyan name for street children who loiter and have no home).
Child finished few days and died

As Mama Doris continue narrating her story, I admire her courage and hope in the midst of turmoil she has encountered. She recalls one of her other daughter- Kesiah who lived in Kisumu before she moved to stay with her. Kesiah conceived the first child who lived for few days and died. She later got another baby who died before her first birthday after succumbing to meningitis.

“No one knew she was living with the HIV virus”- said Doris. Her boyfriend a tout on matatus plying Kisumu-Kakamega route committed suicide after word went round about Kesiah’s HIV status. “A doctor came home to treat her”.

During the early days of HIV and AIDS pandemic, People Living with HIV and AIDS stayed at home since bed capacities in many hospitals was hard to come-by. That resulted into shift of the Home Based Care (HBC) designed to cater for those who ailed at home.

Mama Doris explained that Kesiah’s condition improved due to medication she took. “She looked healthy that no one would suspect she lived with the HIV virus”. Doris lamented, that Kesiah would have been alive today, if she (Doris) knew how to care for PLWHA’s and started taking Anti-Retroviral (ARV) medication on time.

Burying her children has been normal in a society predominantly with cultural beliefs that the children should bury their parents and not vice versa. She has buried all her children and some grandchildren from HIV related complications. All her son-in-laws have either died or rejected their children; living her with an uphill task of fending for them in an urban set-up which is alive with enormous challenges especially for women her age.

At 64, Doris plays the role of a father and a mother to six grand and great-grand children who all look to her for food, shelter, clothing and education. “I do small businesses…wash school which pays me” she said. Our Lady of Fatuma in Korogocho where some of her grand children and great grand children school, provides her with jobs which guarantees meals for the family. She depends on well wishers and her church to feed the children.

“I collect food left- over from school feeding program…that assures a family meal”.

They believe am a bother

“The community don’t want me, they stigmatize me…they believe am a bother”-lamented Doris. Her own family flesh and blood do not want any association with her. She did not get a son and same applied to her mother. “My father a polygamist…his co-wives with sons took over our plot. My father is old, cannot do anything”- narrated Doris.

For many women like Doris who have seen the dark sides of HIV pandemic, God’s Grace is sufficient even as she struggles with her own life and that of her only relatives.The impact of HIV and AIDS in Africa and especially among the urban vulnerable is real with number of orphan’s sky-rocketing.

The United Nations Office for Humanitarian Assistance (UNOCHA) jointly with UNHABITAT recently held a workshop In Naivasha, Kenya attended by members of the ACT Alliance in Kenya; deliberated on the plight of the urban vulnerable.

A document presented at the meeting read “There is a humanitarian crisis taking place in deprived informal settlements around the world, and one of the regions where this dynamic is playing out is in Kenya” The document further warned that- “Urban poverty is set to be Kenya’s defining crisis over the next decade if it is not urgently addressed. Urban population living in slums is expected to double in the next 15 years due to rural-urban migration”.

Kenya has over 4 million urban food poor and almost a third of this number is located in Nairobi. Over 200 informal settlements in Nairobi cover only 5 per cent of the total residential land area of the city and 60 per cent of Nairobi’s population live in slums.